BookGain: Key Lessons from Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph

When I first received Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph as a gift, I was at the start of my motherhood journey. But, honestly, I barely had time to read it between breastfeeding, dealing with poo explosions, recovering from birth, and figuring out how to be a mom.

Fast forward a few years, and I finally picked it up again—because my little boy is growing up way too fast. I wanted to understand him better before I missed something important. And I’m glad I did!

The Three Stages of a Boy’s Development

One of the biggest takeaways from the book is that boys go through three distinct stages:

• Birth to six: The learning-to-love years (when they need the most nurturing from mothers)

• Six to fourteen: The time when fathers play a crucial role

• Fourteen to adulthood: When mentors and caring adults become essential

This doesn’t mean moms suddenly step back when their sons turn six or that dads weren’t important before. It just means that at different stages, different influences play a bigger role.

My Reflections as a Mother

Here are some key lessons that resonated with me as a mother raising a boy:

1. A Mother’s Love is the Foundation
Little boys learn love from their mothers. Be kind, warm, and enjoy them! I was surprised to learn that discipline isn’t my main role—it’s love. This realization helped me relax and have fun with my son instead of constantly trying to manage his behavior.

2. Teaching Boys About Girls

Steve says a mother is like her son’s “acting girlfriend.” That shook me! I don’t want my future daughter-in-law to look like me, but it reminded me that I play a huge role in shaping how he sees and treats women.

3. Praise His Efforts, Not Just His Looks

In our family, we focus on effort rather than outcome. Instead of just saying, “You look handsome,” I say, “You put in effort to match your shirt and pants well today.” Balance is key—I don’t want to create a little narcissist!

4. Adapting My Parenting as He Grows

Parenting is a skill that constantly needs upgrading. As my son enters his tween years, I remind myself to stay connected to his world without smothering him.

5. Let Him Learn from Consequences

Teaching responsibility starts young. Even at three years old, I’d say, “You can have ice cream now, but it might give you a cough. Your choice.” Letting him experience small failures now helps him handle bigger challenges later.

6. Encouraging Kitchen Skills

My son enjoys cooking (for a while before running off). We keep it simple, but I want him to see food preparation as a way to care for himself and others.

7. Handling Conflict Without Big Fights

Backtalk drives me nuts, but instead of reacting, I tell him, “I feel disrespected when you talk back.” Meditation helps me stay calm (most of the time—he’s developing faster than my patience!).

8. Making Sure Dad Stays Involved

Growing up, my dad was mostly absent, so I make sure my husband plays an active role. A strong, capable mom shouldn’t accidentally push dad out of parenting.

If you’re a single mom, the book emphasizes the need to bring in positive male role models—uncles, grandfathers, teachers, or mentors—to fill that gap.

What Dads Can Do – Dads matter!

Here are some key takeaways for fathers:

• Make time to be a dad. Society often reduces men to “walking wallets.” Fight to be more than that.

• Be active—talk, play, explore. Every moment together counts.

• Some “Attention Deficit Disorder” is actually “Dad Deficit Disorder.”

• Share discipline responsibilities. Boys often respond well to dads—not out of fear, but out of respect.

• Be a role model. He’ll copy how you treat his mom and other women.

• Teach self-control through play. Rough-and-tumble games are great, as long as they have clear rules.

• Teach respect—for women and for himself.

Practical Tips: What Boys Need

Boys are wired differently. Here’s how we can support them:

• They are prone to separation anxiety. Show them affection, and if possible, avoid daycare before age three.

• They have testosterone surges, especially around fourteen. Stay calm and reason with them. Show good manners and never use threats or violence.

• They go through growth spurts that make them disorganized. Help them create routines for school, chores, and projects.

• They have bursts of physical energy. Make sure they have enough space and time to move and play.

• Their brain development is slower in certain areas (like fine motor skills). Delay formal schooling if necessary and let them develop at their own pace.

• They need more language development support. Read to them, tell them stories, and engage in conversations from a young age.

• They thrive on clear rules and structure. Keep home and school environments orderly and safe.

• They are more muscular and impulsive. Teach them not to use their strength to hurt others. Model how to solve problems with words.

• They act before thinking about consequences. Guide them through decision-making, discussing options and outcomes.

• They need to feel needed. Encourage them to be helpful at home—it builds lifelong confidence and self-worth.

Final Thoughts

Raising boys is a journey full of surprises, challenges, and joy. As moms, we don’t need to have all the answers—we just need to keep showing up with love, curiosity, and an open heart. And if you’re like me and missed out on reading Raising Boys earlier, it’s never too late to start!

If you haven’t already, find yourself a copy of Steve Biddulph’s book Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different–And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men – a great resource for all parents of boys

What are your thoughts? Have you noticed any of these patterns in your own sons? Let’s chat in the comments!